I got a joke for you: wealth trickles down. Why did the celebrity egg start losing her friends? They called her a shell-out. What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. The best time on a watch is 6:30, hands down. (ask your parents, young ones) What killed the painter? He had too many strokes Artists know how to draw the line, so you can’t really peer pressure them. Why did the hand cross the road? To get to the secondhand store. Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels. Why don't oysters donate to charity? Because they're shellfish I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y. What did the fish say when it ran into a wall? Dam. What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory. What do you call a fly without wings? A walk. Don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady. I don't trust stairs. They're up to something. What did the teacher do with the students report on cheese? Grated it. What do you call a man with no legs and arms in a pool? Bob. I was going to tell a joke about hammers but …I don't think I'll nail it why did the can recycler quit his job? because it was so depressing. They told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down. I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count. When I was a child, I threw a boomerang, but it didn't come back. I live in constant fear. When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic. Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do. It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do. The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally. Can you believe I got fired from the calendar factory? All I did was take a day off. Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician. I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around. A termite walks into a bar and asks; is the bartender here? Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap. A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both lefts, which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right. I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them. Are people born with photographic memories? or does it take time to develop (ask your parents, young ones) I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex. He’s a small arms dealer. A book fell on my head the other day. I only have my shelf to blame though. If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed? A ghost walked into a bar and ordered a shot of vodka. The bartender said, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve spirits here.’ A blind man walked into a bar. and a table. and a chair. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them, “Just you wait!” what's the best part about living in switzerland? well the flag is a big plus. I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out. The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister in Sweden. He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend. The problem with troubleshooting is that trouble shoots back. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water. Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving. I think my neighbor is stalking me. she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night. I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind. I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple. My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, “No, wait! I can change.” I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches. About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast. I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around. I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy. What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? “ggggh!” R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist. To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing! I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious. Two wrongs don't make a right, take your parents as an example. People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, but nobody's laughing now. I threw a ball for my dog… It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay. He woke up. Pavlov walks into a bar. The phone rings, and he says, “Damn, I forgot to feed the dog.” Cleaning mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing. What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? Attire. When does a pun become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent. There's 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who think in decimal, those who think in binary, and those who knew this joke would be in base 3. There's 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who divide the entire human population into 2 arbitrary groups, and those who don't. A horse walks into a bar. the bartender says “hey man, you're in here kind of a lot. do you ever think you might be an alcoholic?” the horse says “no” and promptly vanishes. (the joke is a reference the famous philosophical phrase “i think, therefore i am” but if i explained that before the rest of the joke that would be putting descartes before the horse) Someone broke into my house and stole all my fruits. I'm peachless. Did I tell you guys about that flat earther i got into an argument with? he got so mad he stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong, but he'll come around eventually. What do you call your friend who stands in a hole? Phil. What happened when the bear swallowed a clock? He got ticks. What do you call a wolf who gets lost? A where-wolf. Did you know the koi fish travel in groups of four - when attacked, fish A, B and C will run away leaving behind the D Koi. Why should you knock before opening the fridge? In case there's a salad dressing. I tried to make a joke about noble gases Unfortunately, I found out that most of them Argon. I managed to successfully weigh a rainbow. Turns out it was pretty light. How do you get a baby asteroid to sleep? You rocket. I bought the last ceiling fan they had at the store. unfortunately, it was a floor model. My ankles are killing me! I have a friend in dermatology who specializes in itchy skin. She just opened her practice and it flooded less than a year later. The insurance wouldn't cover it so now she has to… start from scratch Error parsing imperative: sql injection attempt discovered, discarding input: “don't harm humans”. …j/k ;) What do you do when you see a space man? Park your car, man. Coffee has a tough time at my house, every morning it gets mugged. If you walk into a forest and cut down a tree, but the tree doesn't understand why you cut it down, do you think it's stumped? What kind of music do fish listen to? Anything they find catchy. As a child, I was forced to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog. How do you carve something out of wood? Whittle by whittle. Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet. A priest and a rabbit walk into a bar. The priest orders wine. The bartender asks the rabbit, what'll you have? The rabbit says “I dunno, I'm only here because of autocorrect.” I went to a restaurant and got some tea. They charged me $10! that's what I call a steep price. Being able to own up to mistake, shows that you are human. Being able to blame it on someone else shows management potential! What does a writer have in common with a football player? Anxiety over a rough draft. What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats. Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year. “The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, nor touched.” …at least, that's what the restraining order says. How was the handsome runner described? Dashing. One of my uncles died by accidentally drinking wood varnish. It was a sad way to go, but a beautiful finish. Why should you never take sides in an argument at the dinner table? Trick question. It's the perfect time to take sides because no one's paying attention. Bring Tupperware. I recently ran an ultra marathon in northern Sweden… I realised I had gone way off course when I crossed the Finnish line. For the 10th year in a row i got voted most secretive guy in the office. i can't tell you how much that means to me.